But calming down takes days, almost a week. I am no longer weak because of the pregnancy, but it is my heart that's becoming dull with pain. I am so stressed out that it's become harder for me to focus on my studies. Rather, I don't want to study anymore.
I snicker. Why am I so stressed out when having a child with Theo should be a happy event? Why is it that I am the only one happy with this new life?
"Kaiya, what's the answer?" Harbin interjects, which I only answer with a low growl. "You do know that after this, you need to go to your etiquette lessons? They told me ‌you are going to start with your music lessons."
"I don't want to do this anymore, Harbin," I confess.
He places his book down and looks at me. "Because the King is not happy with your child, you think that learning has become useless?"
"Yes," I admit. "I've only done this because I want to be accepted by everyone as his lover. But now… I don't find the motivation to do this anymore."
"That's an expected outcome… if you only study for such a shallow reason."
"No matter what you say, I just want to stay in my room."
"Too bad that Klevon is out on a mission."
"It has nothing to do with him."
"Well, his annoying presence jerks you off, so maybe it will be a good change for you."
"Sadist…" I whisper.
And then I fall into a spell of silence again. My mind is empty and I am only looking at the corner table with the vase of flower on top of it. This castle likes flowers and plants as decoration. Their garden is also massive. Someday, I want to run around the castle in my wolf form.
"I've heard the other generals are pressing the King to throw you out and reject the child," Harbin shares.
"You are not a general. You are the head librarian and only take care of my education. How would you know that?"
"If the King really throws you out, you need education so that you and your child will survive outside," he says as if he didn't hear my response.
"You are right about him throwing me out," I jest. "I am useless. I'm nothing but his whore."
"You think so little of the King's love for you."
I snort. "What love? Or do you mean his lust for me?"
Harbin grins. "At least, you are learning," he says and goes back to his books. He did not push through with his question.
I stare at the open book in front of me. I don't think that Theo can throw me away. He still desires me. I can see it the last time we meet… and fight. But now that Harbin brings it to my attention, I know I can survive, but what about my child? But more than that, can I live without Theo? Without my mate? Mates are supposed to be inseparable, right?
I sigh and prevent my tears from falling. This love and mate bond is painful.

**************************
My walk continues towards the harem house. But even if I have already decided, my hands still tighten around my arms, the closer I am to Theo's harem house.
It's always like this. Me being hurt. Yet, I always crawl back into his arms. Turning on the curve, I walk towards the door. Two guards are in front of it. When they see me, they block my way.
"Miss Kaiya, the King specifically instructed us not to let you through."
"Then, call him out. Tell him I need to talk to him."
"But he's…"
"Call him," I say, sternly.
The guards are hesitating, despite that, one of them enters the new harem house. This is a different one. Smaller and cleaner. The other harem house is still being renovated.
I see Theo coming out of the door. He is wearing a robe. It is slightly open, showing his perfect pecs. He is about to rush toward me when he pauses. He smelled himself and says, "Let me take a bath first."
"It's fine," I say. Even if he takes a bath, I will still smell the women in him.
My hands go to the pin of my dress robe and open it. I am naked underneath and I bare myself completely for him. He glances at my body, and I watch how the desire for me appears on his face. If only that is real love.
"Kaiya!" he admonishes. "Cover yourself!"
I don't understand though. We might be outside, but my back is to the area where other people walk. Only he can see me. And well, including the two guards whose faces are red and are trying to look away from me.
"I am the King's whore. There is nothing to be embarrassed about it," I pronounce.
"Whore?!"
"Yes, that's me," I say.
I let the robe fall on my shoulders. My robe is about to drop to the ground when Theo catches the fabric. He's so close now and my nose scrunches. I can smell the other women's perfume. No, there is also the smell of sex. I stop a whimper from coming out of my throat. It hurts to love a human, Nowra.
"You are my lover!"
"A whore-lover."
"Oh god, Kaiya. Stop being difficult."
I swallow my tears. So I am being difficult now? "My King, you don't need to worry about it. I know what I am. I've been deluded for a while, but I am learning."
"Call me by my name!"
"I can't call a King in his name."
I try to remove his clutching hands in my robe, but he's not letting go. Instead, he wraps the robe tightly around my body.
"Kaiya, you know that for me, you are more than that."
I purse my lips. He touches my chin and kisses me. I blink but didn't make any move. He starts to pry my mouth open, but I try to keep it close. I am here to offer myself to him again, and yet, my pride wants to punish him. So, I evade his kisses.
"Wait, my King, you-"
Suddenly, he lifts me, and on the guards, he orders, "Tell my women that I will be gone for two to three hours. They can eat and rest for the meantime."
Two to three hours, huh? He is even giving a time limit to our time. He rushes towards the castle with me in his arms. I try to keep quiet as much as possible, even if the ride in his arms is rough. I stare at nothing as he runs towards… wherever.
I hear the sound of a door opening and closing, and then, I feel myself being dropped on the bed. My robe opens up for him to see. I prop myself up with my arm. He is gazing at me as he removes his clothes. Just as I thought, every time we see each other, having sex is the only thing on his mind. He spilled his seed multiple times inside me, and yet, he never wanted a child with me. If I am not his whore, then what I am?
"My King. You don't need to bring me to your room. I am okay at the harem house." He crawls towards me. His face was pronounced with anger. "But if I don't deserve even that, you can take me anywhere you wanted. I am preparing myself for it, I am-"
He smashes his lips on mine. Roughly, he pries my mouth open with his fingers. His tongue invades my mouth, trying to touch my tongue, but I keep on evading him. I ‌struggle, but his hold on my face and head only become tighter.
"My King-Mpph!"
He sucks on my tongue and my lips. I push at his chest. It's pounding hard on his ribcage. Suddenly, he hits the bed–on both sides of my head.
"Kaiya, please… I can't handle you being like this to me," he whispers. He stares into my eyes. There is begging in it. "I need you, please."
He starts to tremble on top of me. I remove my arms from his chest and lay them on both sides of me.
"What do you want, my King?" I ask.
"Don't call me that! Call me the same way as you did! Call me by my name."
"What do you want, Theo?" I repeat.
He kisses me again and I let him. When he pries my mouth open, I let him too. When he touches my tongue, I feel a shiver of desire, but I didn't attempt to touch his tongue.
"I want to make love to you over and over. I want to have you alone. I want you to be under me, struggling with the pleasure that I am giving you. I want you to love me, and only me," he confesses.
It's all his wants, and never my wants. And yet, I am also willing to do all that for him. If I can't have his heart, at least I can make him desire me until my child is strong enough to live outside. After that, I don't care anymore. He can throw me out whenever he wants.
"I want you to mark me, Kaiya," he begs. He caresses my cheeks and places a kiss on the bridge of my nose. "I can put a mark on you whenever I want, but none lasts longer than a werewolf mark," he says.
I frown, but that could imprison me with him forever. The mark stays for more than five years. And if I do that to him, our relationship will stay like that. If one of us breaks it, it will be painful. Nowra says it will be akin to having a withdrawal after years of being addicted to drugs-the same one that the hunting park owner puts us on when the guests request it.
"Please Kaiya…" he asks his lips on my chin and jaw. "I want your mark on me," he whispers, and it tugs on my heart.
But wait… At least five years? Maybe it's enough time for my child to grow strong. And I wonder, if ever he wants me out of his life, will he go through the same pain as I am?
"Okay, I will mark you."
His face lights up. "What should I do?"
"Lie on your back."
He did, and I straddle him. His hands automatically go to my hips. I tremble at his touch, and desire starts in my gut again. He smirks. He senses the desire that is welling up in me. His hips start to gyrate against my crotch and I start to breathe hard.
I lean on his chest and I glare at him. "Stop or I won't ever mark you!"
He did stop, but he clicks his tongue. "You want me to stop, but I know you also want it. I can feel your wetness on my crotch."
I redden. "Do you want to be marked or not?"
"Sorry, my beloved Kaiya."
I take a deep breath as I place a strand of my hair on the back of my ears. He looks like a little child about to be given a dessert that he loves the most. Then my eyes shift from his face to the side of his neck. For my child, I will do this.
I lean towards him while I remember everything that Nowra has said to me.
'It's not just a normal bite. You are to ask blessing from the moon goddess. You will want a connection with her so you can connect with your mate.'
And I wonder, what will be its effect on a human mate?